Kids Who “Talk Back” Become more Successful Adults

Talking back. Most parents hate it. I pushes buttons and drives one crazy.

This is an issue I have with both of my children. My son is 8 and likes to negotiate everything from punishments to when he can stop playing legos and go to bed. My daughter, who is 6, does what she wants to do and trying to stop her in the middle of her imagination induced play is near impossible.

When I tell them it is time to do something, I hear, “why” or “not right now”. This is enough to make any parent lose their cool and responding calmly can be very difficult.

However, what if pushing or talking back is actually good for childhood development?
It is!

The experts agree, this behavior is actually developmentally healthy for kids. Clinical psychologist Kelly M. Flanagan explains that “the inability to say “No” — the inability to set personal boundaries — is one of the most common, insidious causes of human suffering.“

Psychologist Joseph P. Allen, who headed a study for the University of Virginia, says: “We tell parents to think of those arguments not as a nuisance but as a critical training ground.” (Yahoo)

Kids push back when they are trying to gain some control over their lives. Negotiating is a key skill adults need to possess and children are just practicing with their parents. It is better they practice with a parent than blindly follow an adult or peer into trouble.

How they Push Back

Focus on how they push back. We all want our children to be able to stand up to peer pressure and decide the route that is best for them. However, teaching respect is key.

The truth is — it’s NOT whether they pushback that really speaks to your authority. They’re kids. They’re going to push back. That’s their job. Your authority lies in HOW they push back, and in HOW you respond to them.

Are you teaching your child to challenge you with respect? Are you setting expectations (and positive examples) for appropriate communication? Do you help them understand and take responsibility for the consequences of their actions?

Your children’s ability to negotiate risky or adverse circumstances improves when you teach them to exercise control with self-awareness, respect, grace and calm. (Yahoo)

Who is in Control?

When children talk back, no matter what the age, we as parents feel insecure about our competence as parents.

Most parents want a base amount of control in the parent child relationship. They want the child to respond when spoken to quickly and courteously. Just like is was for the parent growing up. Life is easier, in the short term, if children just do what they are told and never fight back.

However, this is a false sense of control and children are not here just to follow orders and obey. They all have their own paths to follow and they need to discover who they are. Talking back is just a way of expressing themselves and it is natural.

We adults talk back all the time, we just call it negotiating. Many adults don’t see this and some never will.

What Your Child Wants You to Know

The message is the same:

They are independent beings with their own thoughts, feelings, and ideas. They are on their own path. And while it’s your privilege supervising them on their journey, their journey is still their own, not yours.

For kids to grow into healthy, independent adults, they need to practice making decisions for themselves, and negotiating for what they want — even if what they want seems absurd or unimportant to you. Because, it’s not about you.

If they can negotiate feeding the dog at 7:00 pm instead of 6:30 pm now, they’re better prepared to negotiate with their college professors, with their manager at work, and with a spouse or partner at home in their future. (Yahoo)

The only way for children to become successful is for them to learn about themselves early. Their dreams, desires, and what they love to do.

It is important to remember that you are raising future adults, not little minions to follow one’s every command.

By: Katherine Crofton

Source: Davidwolfe via Idealist4ever

Related:

• Research Shows Over-Involved Parents May Mess With Their Children's Mental Health
• Brain Scans Show The Real Impact Love Has On A Child’s Brain
• Study Shows Exposure to Animals in Early Childhood Supports Immune Development
• Children Disconnected From Nature Won't Fight To Save It
• Dad Films His Daughter Every Single Week For 14 Years. The Result Is Breathtaking.
• 10 Differences Between Children Who Grew Up in the 70’s vs. Today
• 6 Blindfolded Children Were Asked To Find Their Mother, The Result Is Heartwarming
• 16 Children & Their Bedrooms From Around the World…
• 20 Of The Most Dangerous And Unusual Journeys To School In The World
• 11 Reasons Why Children under the Age of 12 Should Not Use Handheld Devices
• Why Steve Jobs Didn’t Let His Kids Use iPads (And Why You Shouldn’t Either)
• Teaching Children How to Think Instead of What to Think
• Social Anxiety May Be Associated with High IQ and Empathetic Ability
• From Darwin To Einstein: How Did Brilliant Minds Spend Their Everyday Lives?
• Socrates Was One Of The Smartest People Ever Lived. Here Are 24 Out Of His Most Important Quotes That Everyone Needs To Read
• 20 Jokes Only Intelligent People Will Get
• Only 2 % Are Able To Solve This Einstein's Riddle! Are YOU Able?
• The 9 Types of Multiple Intelligences - Which "Smart" Are You?
• Are You Emotionally Intelligent? Find Out Your EQ