Everything We Need To Know About Emotional Caretakers And Manipulators

An emotional caretaker is somebody who looks out for the emotions, wants and desires of an emotional manipulator. The caretaker usually defers to the manipulator’s needs, giving up their own goals and even their health and well-being. They just give in to “keep the peace” and try to please the other person—all with no actual improvement in their relationship.

According to Psychology Today, emotional caretakers are concerned, generous, reliable, and caring people. They genuinely want to please others. However, others can easily manipulate them, because caretakers tend to be passive and overly compliant. An emotional caretaker would instead feel angry, hurt, or depressed themselves instead of having the person they love and care about experience any of these feelings. That makes them highly vulnerable and easy to being taken advantage of and mistreated in their relationships with highly self-oriented and selfish people.

Many caretakers don’t even realize that they are giving up so much of themselves. Once they do notice, they might become resentful and angry—but they might keep doing it anyway. At first, the relationship seems lovely, with one person loving to give and one person loving to receive. Unfortunately, too frequently the receiver wants more and more. While the caretaker secretly hopes things will change and balance out in the long run, they never do.

When caretakers are in relationships with individuals who value, respect and have positive regard for them, they can get their needs satisfied, and there's a right balance of giving and taking. And emotional caretakers tend to have positive relationships in their lives. Yet, in an intimate relationship with a manipulator, a caretaker’s values and beliefs about giving and caring—as well as their fear of the anger, rejection, and hostility from the manipulator keeps them virtually hostage. Every time the caretaker disagrees or wants something different than what the manipulator desires, the firsts often don’t stand their ground, set their boundaries, or solve any differences as that level of “combat” is out of their variety of skills and values. They're at the mercy of their partner whose purpose is merely to get what they want, despite who it hurts.

So, what is the cost of being a caretaker in a manipulative relationship? Increased anxiety and depression; loss of self-esteem; a growing sense of hopelessness and helplessness; a sense of emptiness and increasing hurt; exhaustion; fear; and frustration. Caretakers usually feel trapped in relationships due to their sense of loyalty and reluctance to hurt their partner, no matter what this person has done.

Most caretakers respond to anger and hostility by shutting down. Then, their breathing becomes shallow, they sit and wait for the danger to pass, frozen. This shutdown process makes their thinking fuzzy, as their muscles tense up, and even their heart and digestion rates slow down. These reactions can lead to physical problems like migraines; insomnia; indigestion and other intestinal problems; neck, back, and shoulders aches; and a general sense of defeat.

How does someone stop being an emotional caretaker? The most critical thing one needs to remember is to value and treat themselves with as much love and respect as they show to others. You need to value your goals, desires, and dreams. Set boundaries that don’t allow other people to invalidate you or ignore what is important to you. You need to learn to fight and flee effectively when you're in danger.

You need to care for yourself first of all and then offer your caring to other people. It can change your life.