We judge all the time. We always evaluate, ordering the world in which we live between what we like and what we dislike, what’s right and what’s wrong, and what’s in and what’s out. We do not judge only when we think or say something unpleasant about something or somebody, but even when we state an appreciation for what we love, admire, or welcome.
In Western nations we have been continuously educated to think in binary oppositions, distinguishing good from evil, beautiful from ugly, sacred from profane, or civilized from uncivilized. We see that binary opposition at work today in politics, where sometimes it turns into sectarian entrenchment, which seems impossible to bridge.
We judge and we do so exclusively from our point of view. To learn a new habit, we frequently have to unlearn an old pattern. What we don't always realize is the harm we do to our interpersonal relations each time we express a judgment, be it positive or negative.
Here are four habits you need to give up to improve your relationship:
1) Name-Calling
We belittle another for what they said or did by insulting them. We classify other people by labeling them with names that pretend to be a definition of their identity. Name-calling can often be dehumanizing—a technique that's been dramatically and effectively used to prepare an environment conducive to genocide. In Rwanda, for instance, the Tutsi were labeled as cockroaches.
2) Analyzing
We act like doctors who know what affects the behavior and well-being of another person. Of course, by doing that we imply that we're the healthy ones, the ones who know best, and thus can talk down to our partner.
3) Praising
It's important to encourage our beloved ones with praise and highlight the qualities they possess. However, that can also act as a relationship blocker if praise is used in manipulative ways to encourage somebody to act in a way you desire. Also, overpraising might erode trust because it's perceived as insincere.
4) Criticizing
That's the most common form of judging. We criticize when we tend to express a negative assessment of what somebody says or does. When we criticize, we appear as judges and put ourselves on higher moral ground, implying that we're right and that we possess the truth—to which someone else needs to conform.
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