There are many ways in which we often hear or offer an apology. We have learned to apologise when we recognise that we have been unfair toward others or when we feel that we have accidentally caused someone to suffer. What happens, however, in cases where we have knowingly and willingly hurt someone? Can we truly regret our actions, and, if so, how can the other person tell whether our apology is an honest one?
Below we examine four ways in which we can decipher an honest apology from a fake one.
Apology in the form of a treat
Firstly we need to distinguish between the type of apology that is heartfelt and the type of apology that resembles more of a reward or a treat than genuine regret. An insincere apology can appear in the form of flowers, jewelry, trips, and pampering. In this way, the receiver of the above can be left confused, with a sense of being manipulated in the form of receiving a reward for tolerating unacceptable behavior, instead of receiving love and understanding.
Apology in the form of defense
"I am sorry but..." is the standard way a defensive apology is offered. When someone begins apologising, then starts rationalising the very thing he is now apologising for, based on the other party's precedent actions, then it is a fake apology. It means that they do not necessarily recognise their fault, as they are justifying their actions based on the other person's behaviour. Defensive apologies are often heard in situations where someone is genuinely feeling that they, themselves, have been treated unfairly and that they are not being understood. But at the end of the day, everyone is responsible for their own actions independently of others'. Your wrongdoing does not make mine any less wrong.
Apology in the form of drama
Sometimes an apology is expressed in an overdramatic manner, and it comes across as a desperate attempt to feel accepted rather than being genuinely apologetic. A dramatic apology usually comes in the form of crying, begging, and, in extreme cases, it comes as a threat of harming oneself, to ensure that forgiveness and acceptance from the other side is granted. The result is that in such cases, we tend to forgive because we feel sorry for that person, and we want to show our remorse toward their suffering. So what usually comes from this is an empathetic response to someone's distress rather than true forgiveness.
Apology in the form of blameshifting
Blameshifting is usually observed in cases where someone apologizes defensively. Protecting oneself and defending one's pride and integrity, sometimes people tend to shift the blame toward the person who expects to hear the apology. But this, again, is a demonstration of one's failure to own their mistakes rather than a sincere apology.
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