There are many ways in which we can love others. Love is diverse and thus comes in many forms. There is a way in which we love our parents that is different from the way in which we love our children. There is also a distinctive way in which we love our father from the way we love our mother. We love our brothers and sisters, we love our spouse, but we also love our friends. The love we feel for others comes in a unique form for every individual we care about. But there is a certain kind of love that is more peculiar than any other. This kind of love is the love we may have or lack for ourselves, the kind of self-love.
Love is a much-discussed topic in the literature. However, the love of the self is something that has been very much overlooked. Here, we will briefly examine the importance of loving one's self and what this entails.
Many have argued that lacking self-love makes one incapable of truly loving others. This, however, is not what we are going to support here. We will not speak of true love, as the notion of true love is a very Christian idea. Each person loves in their own unique way, and the way each of us love is shaped by how we have grown to understand love based on our childhood and upbringing. Sometimes, the family dynamics are so fucked-up that we have come to understand love in contradicting ways. We might have been continuously devalued from our parents as children, and since we need to love our parents and feel accepted by them, we have come to look for love in people who will devalue us also. In this context, then, love is what is most familiar to us. And what is most familiar to us is, unfortunately, beyond our control.
The 3 Steps Toward Self-Love:
Free yourself from self-guilt
The first step toward loving and caring for yourself is to understand the ways in which you have been feeling guilty throughout your life for things that you were not responsible for. For example, if you grew up in an environment where arguments between your parents were part of your day-to-day life, you might feel as if you are blame-worthy for your parents' behaviour. Especially in the case where a child is also the receiver of screams and shouts in the family, it is natural for that child - as it is not able to rationalise the parent's rage - to take the blame and responsibility by thinking that they have done something wrong. Psychotherapy is an excellent way of identifying the motif of self-guilt that has been present throughout your life, understanding it, and eventually letting it go. Setting yourself free from the burden of self-guilt will assist you in believing in and loving yourself.
Spend quality time by yourself
When people face unresolved insecurities about themselves, they tend to feel very lonely when being left alone. This is particularly the case for people who suffer from anxiety disorders and anxious/codependent attachment to others. People who are at unease spending some of their time on their own, usually feel inadequate and perhaps insufficient in accomplishing things on their own. But it need not be the case that fear of inadequacy towards one's self entails the inability of the person who holds the fear to accomplish things on their own.
The good news is that human beings, like any living thing, are adaptable and flexible for the sake of survival and evolution. Any learned behaviour can be 'un-learned' by replacing it with another. Even the most deeply ingrained behavioural traits that we carry can be reframed and changed in a new context that we set for our wellbeing. So if a person feels that they cannot function properly on their own, this is not something set in stone, and it need not mean that the person cannot alter their situation.
Be self-sufficient
Self-sufficiency can be achieved by taking small steps towards believing that you can, in fact, not only live but also thrive on your own. You can accomplish this through small activities that will prove to you that you can enjoy the company of yourself. Things like going for a stroll, reading a book, having a coffee on your own can alter your thinking patterns by helping you learn to lose yourself in those moments. Other things can include listening to music, going to the theatre, and general engagement in cultural activities that you enjoy. Apart from these activities, perhaps the most important step towards self-sufficiency is taking the time to produce your own work. Producing your own work is not just about temporal happiness and relief, but provides one with a long-lasting sense of fulfilment and purpose.
Spending time on your own, freeing yourself from guilt and being self-sufficient can be extremely constructive, also in the sense that you get to know yourself better. Those three things are the key ingredients in forming one's personality and a source for continuous development and growth. They help us be in touch with our thoughts, feelings, and desires, and constantly re-evaluating our needs and goals. Most importantly, they are a huge step forward toward self-love and self-respect.
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